Cyni(hili)sm: what are eufeminisms?

1. Let's legislate all evil in this world away with eufeminisms!

No, there is no need for you to point that shotgun at the screen making abusive sexual remarks directed at my spell-check, because it has already happened and this abomination of a word came to life. There is also no need to point either of those two barrels at me, because they might carve that linguistic aberration on my gravestone, what you'd rather regret. Not long ago (but long enough to forget what you had for breakfast) I came up with the word "eufeminism", which is obviously enough a wordplay consisting of the words euphemism and feminism, but surprisingly couldn't come up with a definition even if I was tortured with http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SNExwts1bJE&feature=related this ev'ry night and day. It even seemed that teleporting one of my body parts to Sedna (and no, I don't want to know what body part you thought of at first) than figuring out what it means and not delivering an answer that wouldn't make you question my intelligence quotient.
Some time passed (but not enough to buy a new calendar) and my brother summoned me from my room to show me a funny text he has found on one of the DVDs that come with the magazine CD-Action that we squeeze between the rest of the issues on the shelf and collect instead of porn. To cut it short, it was about the fact that women use while describing a "bad thing" done by a male words that express the will to have him stoned with bricks, possibly such that have more than eight sharp edges and while describing things done by a woman words with such underlying understanding and forgiveness that it evokes emotions that calling a pedophile an "appreciator of children's beauty" would do.
When I think of it, the thing this word describes is even more atrocious than the neologism itself...

If you happen to speak Polish (what I doubt in since no one is stupid enough to learn the language of a country that is practically the only one where it is spoken and that already over two millions of Poles fled for financial reasons) or know someone who can read the language of this economic hea... hell on earth, then I advise you to see this text for yourself. You can right-click the following link and open it in another tab or window.
Those of you, who aren't blessed with the ability to understand the language that God spoke when creating the universe (and no, he didn't speak english as your Bible indicates), don't have to open any windows to jump out of them, because you'll find some of them translated just a scrollbar spasm away.

http://www.vitae.pl/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=62&Itemid=9 Men are matrimonial cheaters but women are resourcefully when securing their future...

Men cheat but women are on (romantic) adventure.
Men by getting a divorce destroy a family but women end a relationship without perspectives.
Men are neglecting their families but women find self-realization through professional work.
Men are incompetent but women are sometimes lost.
Men are spendthrifts but women have to buy themselves something from time to time.

If I told you that my guardian angel pushed me around so many times that it led me to the point where I read the text, you would surely think that there is something in my blood I wasn't born with but it's true. Back in times when I could make myself some tea while waiting for my character in Diablo II to enter the town through the portal all because of the low RAM, I used to browse every folder of the CD's content for... well, never mind... what could a male search for? My world crumbled when CD-Action decided to release one issue with a CD and one with a DVD, because my brother had the only device that could read them and advised me to put DVDs into his DVD-reader and open it via LAN, which I NEVER even tried. After all these DVDs that have found their way to our home and that I didn't even once held in my hands, my youngest brother showed me this text... what is quite surprising if you consider the fact that my brother likes reading only slightly less than having his three letter branded with a rod that's red of heat enough to p*ss a bull off. Or... maybe I don't know my brother well enough and he has a dark alter ego that is addicted to books, learns spells whenever he sees them being cast, tidies his room up and doesn't cheat about money spent on sweets when sent shopping. Maybe he just plotted his revenge and wanted to see how much I wanted to get myself killed by falling into one of his spiked-pole pits. That's at least more believable, because why would he want to give something to read a brother he dubbed "Troll" or "Elite Guard of Trolls" on his Internet communicator.
The best thing is that although they have a text that describes a psychological phenomenon that should be abominated I have a copyrighted name for it and they can't give it their own name and will have to stick to the neologism that makes ears hide themselves inside one's skull.

Polish blogs seem to be clogged with this text like a toilet in a school where the female pilgrims sleep over (women ALWAYS get to sleep in schools while men in private houses and women ALWAYS throw sanitary towels into the toilets instead of trashbins, the sanitary towels soak with water and grow like cakes with yeast and then firemen have to force the sanitary towels through the pipes with fire hoses) so Poles would have a really good reason to force me into a meat grinder if they found out that they spent a dozen or two of minutes to read something they've already seen more times than a face on tv they wish to damage badly with the closest object available. So hold on, folks - the shotgun in your cupboard with have to grow with dust a little bit longer, because there is something different I want to discuss here (mainly I want to cuss it rather than discuss, but that's not the point).

One would think that not even quantum physics could deliver a dustbit of proof that women use euphemisms to relief their own guilt or sense of shame. In fact I would build anyone who could prove me wrong a statue out of snow (but I would probably abandon it after forming the groin, because I don't have any hand shoes and by that time I would lose feeling in my hands. But hey, at least you would have the half of a statue! The most don't have even that!) Alas, the legged groin won't come easy and they would have to be lawyers or marry someone who is somehow related with the devil to interpret the dialogue I have heard on a bus a number of months that didn't exceed the first prime numbers ago. Two girls... or rather one girl and one chick (I don't like to use words I consider diminutive or endearments to describe people I despise) talked about the female cat of the chick and her kitties. On one hand I'm glad that they looked after the cat well enough to keep her from becoming a pancake somewhere between the lanes but on the other - I wanted to lock her up and feed her canned cat food for a period of time long enough to develop light-sensitive eyes for saying: "(...)My father takes care of euthanasia(...)" As you can guess, they didn't change the subject to one of the grandparents who is being repaid in kind for raising a guthole, nor to the dog that for some strange reason lies dying behind the cupboard in the basement (that's a real example if you wonder, from one of my former classmates). She meant the kittens it was supposed to free from the terminal disease called life (because everyone who lives dies) and I really wish I could say that she used the eufeminism, because she was ashamed of having a father that has his guts and brain misplaced - but she wouldn't talk about it openly as if everyone else tied a rock around the little kitties' necks just to see how far they could swim.
And what the hell was "euthanasia" - an act of questionable mercy - supposed to mean when it concerns beings that FEAR? Fear is the synonym for "I run because I want to live" and that gelbrain expects the kitties to be grateful? Thanks a (b/p)unch! I'm sure he would appreciate his parents even more if they would "euthanize" his siblings only because it's unbearable to live with such an ill-bred atrocity of a human in the same house. Why not "euthanize" his own daughter and spare her decades of suffering caused by becoming one of the victims of a rapi... oops, "a frustrated man raised in a pathological family who has a problematic personality that frightens women away and is thus deprived of sexual fulfillment". Why should it be abominable to "euthanize" your own children? Even the powerhouse-brained among us can't praise enough the influence of it on the world economy, technological development and spiritual evolution! If you, you child of the Internet, happen to doubt in the words of intellectuals that could easily earn themselves a Nobel-prize then you're one against 31 percent!

http://www.weeklystandard.com/Content/Public/Articles/000/000/004/616jszlg.asp You're just not open minded enough but let me help you. Hey, that's what friends are for! - now... where did I put my drill...?

If someone bats a kid into heaven it will be always shown on the news but they show killed animals on TV only when they're butchered in an original, hollywood-style way: thrown into an burning oven! Beheaded and skinned! Thrown out of the 13th floor! Except that some animals really died this way so you could read about it.

The lawnmower I got last christmas still lies unwrapped (it's a ingenious idea to buy me things for presents related with activities I hate) but it might come in handy if one of you says that animals have no soul - then I'd have to empirically examine if y o u have a soul: by extracting it. Unfortunately, you won't be there to hear me say that I was wrong.
Now sit down because I am going to tell you something that will push humans off the evolutionary ladder. A soul didn't come with evolution and anything before evolution started had one. Feelings are restricted for humans even less than maths skills (oh hell, I lack these skills so I degraded myself to the level of an animal!) and anyone with a brain that can be told apart from a walnut knows it. Our little brethren can feel exactly the same thing that helped our ancestors survive and thus enriched our population by people who can't memorize their own gender or walk across the room without killing themselves: fear and the thing fear breeds: anger (anger and fear combined breed arrogance which in turn breeds stupidity but that's another story). One cannot forget that they can't feel pleasure what makes them unmatched masters at hedonism. I even have trouble telling if their ability to feel pain or the belief that they're mindless walking meat awakes sadistic tendencies in humans. We are losing the evolutionary war (as you will see when reading about Alex the African Gray Parrot) and the bastions of humanity we thought belong to us are crowded with beings that feel perfectly fine when they have nothing to wear. But if you're still full of that biblical feeling of superiority that reminds feudalism then do yourself a favor and drown those high platform shoes in the nearest septic tank and look at animals as something that might fire your grandchildren some day. The recent issue of National Geographic sent some vile pet owners out of the window on the floor number that can be divided by thirty when they found out that their pets plot their demise using, among others, math skills which were so far restricted only for humans. Oh, and even birds during the mating season know what is "art" because they can tell which dance of the competing males they liked best.
This is the link to the article about Alex and if you happen to be caught in the middle of a crossfire you might be able to finish reading the section about accomplishments which is approximately as long as your future life.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alex_(parrot) Birdbrain!!!

If you still don't believe that animals have a soul then you're right! Animals don't have a soul because all rapists, murderers and psychos ran away with them.

Let's get back to that girl on the bus for a short while.
They say that speech is silver and silence is gold and I wonder sometimes if making a retard out of herself wasn't a greater punishment than putting 9mm of golden silence through her brain (you kill werewolves with silver and retards with golden bullets - that's why no one kills them, because golden bullets are too much worth to waste on retards and that's why there are so many of them). She could just shut her mouth but instead of that she just had to show everyone else that she is so proud that she saved the retarded father's genes from extinction.
As for the substitute for killing - I'm pretty sure that using an eufeminism won't cause that she'll make newborn kitties a batiscaph out of a tied potato sack because she obviously has a conscience or an aberration that was one in the olden days. But I can bet my brain on that she will attract a guy who would be more than happy to grant her every wish including a pagan sacrifice to the river.
The thing that makes me want to dump nuclear waste on their whole family to ensure that no original gene remains the same is the fact that instead of playing Titanic with the kittens they could simply get the old cat sterilized once and for all because it's relatively cheap. But no, they feared that the cat will become boring and lifeless without hormones so they prefer to run a cat concentration camp for the sake of the old cat's health. See now what I mean with retarded?

And in case you wonder - she didn't have to wear rubber shoes or her parent's clothes. She also didn't use a rural dialect and had no problems with making two syllables clash. She looked pretty much like one that would rather spend fifty zlotych (1 zloty = 2,05 american dollars) on something advertised by photoshopped supermodels that will make her face look like a christmas tree with an oddly painted wall in the background.

Now the only thing I facepalm myself for (sometimes I forget myself while holding items that have sharp edges in the most unfortunate places) not giving her my address and telling her to drop the kitties off at my place at night or in the morning and ringing at the doorbell what would surely have got me killed by awakened family members. But more than at the thought of having to come up with some exccentric way to leave the surface I shudder at the thought how many little ones they managed to turn into fertilizer during this time. Sure, we have so much money that we could starve any day but hey - the little ones would have much greater chances to survive (or die of starvation) with us than with them.
Our neighbours have enough money to burn or to give it for free to the government what is basically the same, anyway enough to rebuild their home into a church (what they to some degree really did by ordering a copper-covered roof) but as we watch them live sitting on our balcony with our "will procrastinate for food" banners we come to the conclusion that their life is as fulfilling as the choice which part of the body to put into the meat grinder first. They're so bored with working 48 hours a day and taking overhours that they want excitement in their life by attracting thieves and kidnappers who happen to know how freaking expensive such an amount of copper is. I'd rather get an PhD in Math than understand what is the point of working your hands off to the bone so that you don't have even a spare second to think what you're going to buy for it and end up buying something what will make neighbours loathe rather than love them.
What I'm trying to say (and I'm trying to say it since the first word and managed to do it only when my scrollbar turned into something the size of a pea) is that a life of a kitten that doesn't seem to fit into any other's heart is more worth to us than any money on earth. Wait, what? What syringes? No, really! As we hear our life ticking away we think solely about the fact that we'll end up as rotten potatoes six feet under and that the only thing what will count is not what we've managed to hide from the tax ministry but what we have done for/to our own or other's souls - and animals count double as others since they cannot defend themselves so it's easy to ruin their lives.
Our country may be hell (especially because there is a peninsula called "Hel") but at least we have animal rights! That's (a) right! Why would devils bother making animals sorry they ever had a body when they can simply test various sharp objects on human parts of the body usually covered by underwear?
The best example is the deadly curve in Tenczyn in Lesser Poland where innumerable cars and trucks replayed the car chase scenes from various action movies and saltoed downhill; I don't have to rely entirely on my mum's account because even I saw a truck from loot-distance and at least two others. You will never guess how many people had to die and get hospitalized to make the people responsible for the state of the roads place a warning sign? None. Yes, and if the accident that made them place a warning sign occurred as the first on on this curve there would be much less tragedies in life's theater's repertoire. That's because they placed a warning sign only after a huge transport of horses (that was the property of the country) meant for export to Italy got crippled in a way you wouldn't even want your enemies to be, because the truck did a much less fortunate jump known from the "Speed" movie (on a side note: the horses couldn't be finished off out of legal reasons so the locals had to let them suffer and eventually die in an ice-cold river). At first I felt like writing something along the lines: "You can imagine how easy it was to get the insurance money from the people responsible for the state of the roads just because no one bothered to place a warning sign where earlier dozens of accidents occurred." but that would be hard to pull off back in those days as both the road administration and horse transport belonged to the government and demanding insurance money from their own possession would be a roundhouse kick delivered to their own groin. But on the other hand when this accident occurred Poland was a socialist country where the government decided how much gasoline you need and where you had to wait two days in line to get something else than vinegar. People had it hard back than and if today's Poland is hell on earth then socialistic Poland was a nightmare in hell. It just reflected the way people were treated by the government and it seems that nor humans, nor their trucks had enough (mechanic) horse power to bring the government to the point where they decided to place a warning sign there.
I tried to find something on this subject on the Internet before I found out that it happened when my mother was in her fourth underage year so it's even less possible than the infinitesimally small chance of an atom ceasing to exist known from quantum physics that the socialist government would let censors leak anything about their epic sc**w up into the media. The best thing about research however is that you stumble upon webpages that you would otherwise read as closely as e-mails showing concern about the size of your sixth, middle limb or your supply of strange coloured pills that taste like something that would immediately make you sick. This time I have found something that will turn your friends working for companies dealing with horse export into walking atrocities that you are ashamed to share the same gender with. Although this is about polish horses transported with trucks to to Italy where they are slaughtered. As you can see the previous sentence was entirely washed out of cynism because what you will see next will allow you to invent all kinds of invectives that combine anatomic terminology and lawn grinders or other objects that like to oil themselves with blood. Unfortunately the site deals with Polish problems so it's understandable that no Frenchman would give it a second thought. The websites are in Polish but I'll translate the most important fragments of the first, cut it short and base my comments on the second one.

http://www.klubgaja.pl/zwierzeta/konie/ Slaughtered while exported!
http://blog.tenbit.pl/przylacz-sie-do-walki-o-zycie Buy Italian horse meat! I know you want it, you're so hungry you could eat a horse!

NIK (it's the supreme section of the governmental organisations that control quality in institutions and businesses) made a report back in may 1998 that read:
1. 95% of transports are overloaded - the logic behind this process is undeniable: the more we pack horses into the trailer, the less place remains for them to fall over and get stomped to death so this way we can cut our losses to zero!
2.40% of the firms didn't care in what kind of conditions the horses are transported - oh, they just call it economic space division. The horses don't have any planks they could lean on and that could protect them from falling because without them more horses gets in and they won't feel lonely when dying after being stomped. Besides if other horses empty their bladder and bowels on the lying ones and it dries there is less to clean in the trailer!
3.The trailers have floors with holes that makes them resemble sieves, edges sharp enough to allow field surgery and roofs that lets everything from sunshine to rain in. There were trailers were the horses could simply fall out what would be a questionable alternative to the death inside of the trailer. For economic reasons the holes in the roof "wash" the trailer and the holes in the floor allow the dirty water to flow out so the organic fluids won't cruise between one wall of the trailer and the other.
4. Every day horses at bazaars and on roads are hit with sharp objects, are kept in tragic sanitary conditions, break their legs and tear their skin off. That's what civilized people do - they pound the painted metal of their Maybachs with a crowbar pretending to be cowboys! Yeeehaw!
5. I would call the people whose ignorance is so unbelievably horrifying "cymbał" (cimbal) like I used to if I weren't one of them. Hell, I even used to think that abortion doesn't look like tearing the fetus' limb after limb off with a vacuum while it's still living and throwing the pieces into regular buckets but like rather like giving the pregnant woman some sort of potion that makes the fetus shrink so it is removed by the organism. Many people think that old horses end up in slaughterhouses only when they reach the age of retirement after years of hard work and then their meat is sent to Italy and France where "connoisseurs" can buy it. That's bull... well, horse**** as in Poland horses are bred and destined to gallop into the meat grinder on the day they are born. Every year 30 000 horses are exported (statistics from year 2002) and wallets open up the fastest when young horses are in play. The press reported situations that deserve the name "horse-ocaust" where the mother and the filly was transported in the same trailer.

I am aware that some of you will feel anger that suffices to grab the closest able to penetrate the skull object and start to look for my home address for using such heartless expressions but instead of seeking pointless revenge on someone who wants to see horse slave traders locked up accidentally in the same dangerous trailer for the whole ride through Austria (they don't stop there what's against the law to avoid very strict controls on the terrain of Austria). Direct your huge red energy hateball towards those who deserve it. Just imagine them suffering the same way their "cargo" suffers. There is hope however, a small light in the tunnel - 500 000 Poles supported the actions of the Gaiaclub and the export of live horses fell from 86 000 in 1998 to 30 000 in 2002. Also 73% of the respondents asked by one of the biggest Polish newspaper said that the transport of live horses for slaughter should be banned. Another good thing is that Italians require that horses be undamaged so exporting horse meat will stop paying off alltogether.

After I brainwashed you with the purest truth (myself by the way too) you should have no problems believing that euthanizing kittens is no different from slaughtering fillies (young horses).

Death and killing are taboo subjects and if you share an opinion on it that isn't in harmony with social expectations you might find that someone who gave you a ticket for a great movie pulled it out of your purse and went to the cinema with the ugliest but most warmhearted girl around instead. Of course writers would be a bunch of old bores if they hadn't several other taboos the can ra... "have violent intercourse with" at arms reach. One of eufeminisms was mentioned in an article on the popular Polish news site called onet.pl about underage prostitution. The gir... uh, chicks avoid calling it prostitution - they prefer to call it "zaradnosc zyciowa" what means "recourcefulness in life" (but more often sponsoring). Here is the header of that article:

"Ich zdaniem to nie prostytucja, tylko zaradność życiowa. Już nie dziewczynki, jeszcze nie kobiety... Jak walczyć z tą patologią?"
(They think that it's not prostitution but resourcefulness in life. Not girls anymore but not yet women... How to fight with such a pathology?)

For those who are interested or have masochistic tendencies and want to torture themselves with reading articles in languages they don't know, I prepared a link to this article.

http://czat.onet.pl/1491762,archiwum_dyskusji.html Resourceful who... chicks that can't be recycled anymore... Covered in plastic in the sponsor's attic...

You may not be entirely convinced if women really rename evil to create good in the world but I saw very disturbing things among my former female classmates: they talked about friends behind their back and then that person had to hear from others what the first person said about them. They avoided calling it gossip - instead they treated questioning the reputation of others as a normal part of communication and as entertainment that's good for one's spiritual development. It has been proven by scientists that words stimulate the part of the woman's brain responsible for feeling pleasure. They have also proven that women are competitive just like boys but in another way. When groups of boys and girls got toys in insufficient amounts, the boys asked, demanded or fought with other boys for the toy while girls took revenge on other girls by talking about them behind their backs and excluding them out of the group. It almost looked like my classmates pretended to be friends to gain other women's trust and then used the gained information to raise their position by making the "friend" look like an incarnation of immorality. And you know pleasant words can be addictive like chocolates with alcohol.

I just hope you'll make your daughter aware of this trap or else she might "emancipate" herself by cheating on her husband as stereotypical men do or "setup her life" by marrying a rich guy without loving him or "thinking for once about herself" by leaving her family for another guy. Hell, she can even find a flaw that will justify the fact that she is cheating on her partner. One woman in a letter to an astrological weekly said subtly that she has an affair and then wanted to know if her husband has someone. Do you get it? She asked if he has a lover so she could justify her own lack of fidelity! Because if the husband can cheat, so can I! She wasn't pleased to hear what the psychic answering the letter told her. That's what I like about her: she says straightforward what she thinks about it even if it would mean that this person will never buy the weekly again. Somehow it's surprising that it's still alive and kicking after being published for the first time around 1993. That's not bad for a weekly that is esoteric and has thus a limited readership.

I am aware that such text should have some kind of moral or conclusion but I don't want to finish it wish cheesy preaching. You are smart people, you will integrate the text into your belief system the way you want. Let me just share with you one last quote:

"A popular belief is that prostitution is a problem of environments defined by poverty, alcoholism and violence. According to my observation, it's not always so. Surely the root of underage prostitution is the pathology of a family. But it's a pathology of bonds, lack of understanding, respect and love.

As the causes of underage prostitution are regarded: consumerism, aggressive media, poverty, the will to be someone among peers, pathology in a family. The own room, a full fridge and a lack of arguments won't protect from entering the world of prostitution. Prostitution sneaks into the houses where emotional poverty is present and this concerns the so called "good houses" too."

And no, "emotional poverty" is not an euphemism...

http://wiadomosci.onet.pl/1491138,242,1,kioskart.html Why do you brag about your first period?! Be more discreet about it!

As a bonus:
One last quote from Blogspot.com where people post their secrets. One of them read:
"I dated (read: had sex with) the guy who dateraped me so I could convince myself that this is a normal relationship."

Jacob "Antipaladin Pedigri" Luberda, 27th of July 2008, 00:47.

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e-mail: pedigree@op.pl
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